Current mood:

confused

ok...wow...oh this is not good. im about to seriously cry. i have a decision to make. me. I. I HAVE A DECISION TO MAKE. and its not one to be taken lightly. and i dont know how i can make a decision like this. i really dont. i have to choose between 2 things that are completly opposite. and i have to choose it for the right reasons.

miguel just stopped by after he got off work. his mother wants us to get married here and in mexico. in a catholic church. in fact this is what is whole family wants. and actually, its what he wants. in order to get married in the catholic church you have to BE catholic. some churches are non denominational for weddings, but catholics are not. miguel doesnt believe that our marriage will be as meaningful if we dont get married in church, in the eyes of god, with His blessing. so this is something that really means something to him. i feel like im about to have a brain anurism.

ok so let me look at this sanely. i used to believe in god. i used to go to church. i used to go to catholic school. i USED to. my belief in god was unfailing despite the fact that growing up i was never baptized, never went to church like everyone else, ect. bad things happend, i prayed, prayers went unanswered, and i...chalked it up to the fact that i was praying to a god who didnt exist. obviously with the way things were at the time that i stopped believing i wasnt typically in my right frame of mind due to depression, ect ect. there were a lot of factors involved. i simply wasnt healthy anymore, and my life was a mess, and i blamed god for it all, and eventually just stopped believing all together.

recently i have stopped to question myself a few times, wondering how millions of people believing in the same or similiar ideas could all be completly 100% wrong. wondering what it was exactly that i was maybe doing wrong and what the end result might be if im the one who's wrong. i have realized that blaming god for everything wrong in my life was the wrong way to think, b/c if there is a god, i believe bad things happen for a reason, to make us stronger, to teach us something, to give us a better understanding, and to make us more thankful. this is what i realize now that im older and its done with, but at the time i didnt see what all those terrible things were really worth.

when i look at the circumstances surrounding my decision to cut off all beliefs of god and religion, it seems that what i really did, was give up fighting and pretty much say "well fuck you too". it was spiteful. i created my own solitude. it becomes heartbreaking to wake up every morning and find your prayers unanswered for years and years. and to put the blame on yourself somehow, thinking that its your own fault, that you must have done something to deserve it. everyday felt like punishment for simply being born. but if god exists, i was wrong for these thoughts at the time. i wasnt to blame, and i wasnt being punished. i gave up believing when i should have stuck with it. if you look at it like this, life is really a test, and i have failed.

and now it seems im being put to the test again. its almost like ive been given a second chance to pass the test. i made it this far on my own. i made it to a place where its finally looking up, and ive grown up and i think thats made me realize that i have a lot to be thankful for, i have a lot that others dont have, and its so easy to ignore that and focus on all the bad things and say oh poor me, pity me. so i know that i have plenty to be thankful for, but who does the thanks go to? to me? of course i got myself here, but anything could have happened along the way. anything...but it didnt, the last 5 years have been...the best of my life.

so all that was miguel aside. that was me. without the influence of someone wanting me to become catholic. so now let us put him in the picture for a minute. our marriage isnt going to mean the same thing to him if its not catholic. he thinks this would be good for me, b/c he thinks that i dont have peace in my soul. (must admit i dont feel at all at peace with myself or anything else most of the time) this means something to his whole family. and his family is huge. its not just like 2 or 3 people care whether or not we get married in a catholic church. his family is big enough to be their own congregation. and he made it clear that he doesnt want me to become catholic for him, he wants this to mean something to me. actually what he said is that if i want to go thru with this, it HAS to mean something to me.

i guess i would have to say that i dont particularly like church and i dont particularly like the bible and i dont particularly like a lot of things that religious people believe. a lot of it is just crap. but when i think of the things i said previously there....then i just dont know. and to be quite honest, i am scared. and i am crying now. and i just dont know anything. but who does? i know the answer to that actually....people who know something, have faith in things that they cant see. they believe just out of faith. blind faith. thats something that ive refused for quite some time now. i lost faith in everything. i dont believe anything that i cant see with my eyes or hear from someone that i trust. and speaking of trust? do i ever really trust anyone? not often. i will just for the sake of it, but theres always a nagging that im wrong.

so this was a lot of rambling to get to a point in which i could make a decision of some sort. and i just havent gotten to that point. ill ask myself a few questions....do i love him that much that i would try to do this? yes. can i find some sort of valuable meaning in it for me? probably. can i do this? is there anything stopping me? am i somehow giving up what i believe in? ..... and thats where it stops b/c im not sure i have answers to those questions. this isnt something to just take lightly. so for now, ill just leave it at that.