Current mood:

bitchy

today is slightly better. got woken up by the neighbors honking at around 10 something. bastards fucking honk the god damn horn in the morning now they have to do it at night too??? fuckers. got woken up at midnight by jessica which was ok. got woken up at 6 something by my cats which at that point i woke up from a dream that i believe involved miguel b/c i woke up feeling as if i might cry. woke up again around 7 b/c jessicas cell phone called me somehow. woke up around 7:15 b/c that was what time i needed to get up and by then i had rationalized that i will get to see miguel this weekend and i have a few days off next week. so its not the end of the world. but it kinda feels like it. i hate when hes not around. i dont know how to explain that. somehow the fact that i will get to see him in a day or two just doesnt make me feel any better. thats a whole evening of work, day of school, another whole evening of work, and then a day of work before i get to see him again.thats over 48 hours from now....why does time always drag when you want something so bad? and then you get it, and its gone so suddenly. and you have to wait again. its almost painful, to want someone so much. i never stopped to consider the fact that being in love had so many complications involved. that it would bring about a whole new set of problems. i guess i should be grateful that we're only apart for days, and not for months and seasons and maybe even years, like all these girls i go to school with who have boyfriends in iraq right now. if i put myself in their place for a minute, i realize that this is really not so bad at all. but i know ive always been impatient, and the likelyhood of that changing is nil(sp???).

so now that ive got that out of my system let me just reiterate that i am still in a bad mood and i am still on a rampage and i am still disgusted with society. i swear these fuckers across the street from me are going to get a wake up call sometime before i move. it involves me, my car, and my car horn. at 3 am. let them keep pissing me off, and trust me, its gonna happen. furthermore, people who start shit with other people, and then say well thats what they get for starting shit, when they clearly incited something, should be shot. i mean do they really have nothing better to do with their meaningless little lives than provoke others and name call???? and did it ever occure to anyone that some names just arent appropriate to call people? i mean, its offensive!!! theres no excuse for it. and then dont even get me started on the way people fucking drive around here. ive almost been hit twice in the past day. one idiot wasnt watching the road and almost ran into the back of me when i stopped at a red light, he had to actually swerve into the other lane to avoid hitting me. the other was someone who thought it was ok to drive thru the gas station at 30 mph. and then why do people think it is acceptable to drive under the speed limit on a one lane street where there is no passing? and then STOP before they make a turn? its not difficult to drive if you dont have your fingers up your ass. honestly. and then my mom wants to ask why i never call my grandmother. well b/c quite honestly i dont feel that connected with my family. i dont think we're close at all. what does she want me to talk about? the weather? school? work? well thats all just dandy but we can catch up at the next family gathering if thats really all we have to discuss which is all it ever amounts to. small talk. and then as far as telling them about my plans, my mom doesnt even know yet and thats going to be hard enough. as soon as my family hears the words mexican and los angeles theyre going to just die. b/c that is the way they are. and lets just hope that i dont have to tell them something else. i know theyre my family but theyre really just judgemental and shit. they have no idea what im really like.

miguel says im always with him. in his heart. so instead of whining about how much i miss him, ill just keep him with me also. *sigh* i would be happy if for everyday i could just hear his voice, see his face, and feel his arms around me. thats all. i guess on days like this i just have to remember yesterday and keep it in mind as if it was very recently. use my imagination.