Current mood:

angry

ok so i ate and now i feel sick.

sick and bored and not about to cry anymore, but instead i want to hit someone or something or break something and then runaway. far far away. by myself. and die. oh and wow the perfect song just came on. blow up the outside world, by stone temple pilots. nice.

ive gone thru a wide range of emotions in a very short period of time so hopefully ill be ok by morning b/c im going to just go to bed early. god i hate feeling like this. this is the worst feeling in the world. one of them at least. i hate it when i get like this. and i havent been this way for forever now.

but ok this is what happened. i havent seen miguel for a few days right, so today was supposed to be our evening together since its the only day i actually have totally off until monday. so i was all kinds of happy and shit. so we go rent a movie. start watching it. 1.5 hours later his dad calls and he has to leave to go help him remodel a house in riverside. and of course he cant say no b/c he needs the work since hes jobless and what not. so oh wow i got to see my boyfriend for a whole hour and 30 minutes this week. i could literally kill something right now. im just waiting for something to set me off. and this computer is about to be it b/c the stupid internet wont stay fucking connected for more than 5 god damn minutes at a time. what the fuck?!?!?! so anyway he left and i swear the second after i shut the door i just got all upset and wanted to cry. but i dont know whats wrong with me, maybe ive cried all my tears in this lifetime, or theyve dried up b/c theyve been out of use for so long now, or i simply just dont know how to anymore. so all that emotion just gets bottled up. its not healthy. i know that. i guess i snapped at that point b/c of...you know what, im not even going to go there. anybody who understands anything, will have already understood why i felt/feel the way i did/do. i hate it. i hate it that i cant be normal. i hate it that something always brings it back. i hate it that it never goes away. i hate it that i think im fine but then it pops up again. i hate me. i hate this. i hate it all. dont anybody fucking talk to me b/c you know what i just dont give a shit right now.

on the upside, maybe this outburst of emotion means that im pmsing and maybe ill start my period. now that would be a splendid turn of events.

EW I JUST WANT TO FUCKING CRAWL OUT OF MY SKIN AND DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok, calm now...breathe...think happy thoughts...miguel...me and miguel together...away from here...the whole future....and the past...that night...and that one day...and that one moment...