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Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
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11:43 am
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ok i am asking for your help (yes i know i never update this thing but i figured i might still be on some peoples friends lists and therefore they will see this) i have a few questions for you to answer, this is for my sociology project.
1. Define what popular culture means to you.
2. Name some songs that come to mind when you think of our pop culture.
3. Name some movies that come to mind when you think of our pop culture.
4. What kind of an effect does popular culture have on our society?
your help is appreciated!!!!
current mood:  hopeful
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, September 24th, 2004
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9:44 pm
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| Wednesday, September 15th, 2004
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10:54 pm
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my grandmothers funeral is tomorrow and i dont get to go. its too far of a drive and my grandmother wont have time to come get me and drive all the way up there in time for everything she has to do. *sigh* maybe its best i dont go to any funerals. but at any rate this seems like the proper time to say goodbye. and with that i am also saying goodbye to this. the whole lj thing. its just time to let go. i dont have anything particularly significant to say, so ill let the quotes say it for me.
famous last words:
What we know is not much. What we don't know is enormous.
~Pierre Simon de Laplace, french astronomer
Con tu adios
te llevas
mi corazon
Don't let it end this way, tell them I said something.
~Poncho Villa
"I'm looking for loopholes"
~W.C. Fields when asked why he was reading the Bible on his deathbed.
Now, now my good man, this is no time to be making enemies.
~Voltaire on his deathbed, in response to a priest who asked him to renounce Satan
The rest is silence.
~Hamlet, Hamlet by Shakespeare
"La vida es bella... La vida sigue.... Disfrutala"
~Carmen Codeluppi (on her deathbed)
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3:06 pm - another long drawn out entry
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ok i have made that last entry public now, spent today pondering some more, even tho i knew my mind was already made up. i first had to hear some second opinions tho. first from jessica. i had predicted her to be totally against it and to tell me to tell miguel to pretty much fuck off. well she kinda said that but she also said if i love him so much to just go along with it. which is good. but i needed more i suppose. so i talked to shelley whom i had predicted to lecture me about how this whole thing was crazy to begin with and im too young to settle down and get married and have these conversations with her. but she didnt say any of that. she actually told me if i really loved him then i would do this b/c sometimes you have to make sacrifices or changes to make a marriage work. she gave the example of her mother converting to catholicism 10 years into her marriage so that they could renew their vows in the catholic church. i figured i might as well get further guidance so i talked to bobbie today b/c shes catholic and shes agreed to help me do this whole thing. hehe, shes my godmother, how strange. but its good, shes always been around, shes always been there for me when i needed her. she wasnt too suprised she was really happy for me. it was genuine and it made me feel really good. chuck who read this entry thinks that im possibly doing this for the wrong reasons and that its a little sudden. me and miguel have only been together for 3 months. others also think its sudden, and of course, youre right, it is. but when you find someone that you know is right, when you just KNOW in every sense of it, then its really not too sudden. as far as the wrong reasons, i wouldnt just agree to marry anyone. this is different. i honestly hadnt any intentions on any of this happening. it wasnt my biggest wish to find someone i would end up spending the rest of my life with. i broke up with daniel and i started having fun. i stopped looking for someone who would be forever, and it was then that i found it. i cant help that. i cant help who i fall in love with. i considered the fact that me and jared would have been perfect for eachother. we had the same beliefs and ideas and wishes for our future. we could have agreed on everything and had everything we wanted. we wouldnt have needed to change anything. but i didnt fall in love with him. i fell in love with miguel who as i have mentioned, is completly different from me. we both know that this is true, and we are both in love with eachother. it just cant be helped. theres simply not a thing i can do to change this, nor would i want to.
as for me becoming catholic. i at first questioned whether or not i would be doing it for the right reasons. i knew that i have always felt like i was different from others and without a sense of belonging, and for the most part without any guidance. i didnt grow up as others did. i could never call myself catholic, or any other term that describes a group of people to which one can classify themself. for the most part, i was very much alone, which is why i am the way i am. i want to be able to affiliate myself with a group of people. it might be nice. it might help me. and furthermore, i dont want our children to have to grow up the same way i did, not having anywhere to belong to. they should get a chance to have all the things i never had. family and religion obviously mean more to him and his family than it does to me. and i like that. i want that. so does this mean something to me besides the fact that im doing it just for him and his family to make them happy? yes. it means more to me than ive allowed myself to believe. i guess this is what it is to be grown up. you look back and see the error of your ways and you see that you were looking at it all wrong. ive made my mistakes. while im on a roll, ill name a few.
running away from my mom and going to live with my dad in that hell hole. true she was being just awful to me, but there was a part of me that ran for other reasons. such as the fact that i knew he had more money than her, and we had never had nice things. he gave me more freedom than she did. but did i ever stop to think that despite her drinking and other bad habits that were unsuitable for raising kids, that maybe she had my best interests in heart more so than my father. that maybe she loved me more. that maybe in the end, she would be the one still with me. i was just a confused little girl with almost no friends and no one to confide in. i see that now.
weve already been over me blaming god for beverlys eventual death, so i wont even go there, b/c as i went over in a previous entry, i was wrong for thinking like that and i can see now that everything happened just as it should have and for good reason.
lets just get on to high school where my biggest mistake was letting others lead me and trying to make people like me. i had always moved a lot but i knew i would be at sumner for the entire duration so i wanted to make the most of it and be like everyone else. i just wanted friends. something i had had too little of. it didnt quite work out too good, i was too quiet i guess. but instead i blamed myself for being weird, or not pretty enough, or maybe even not smart enough. i eventually discovered that through having a boyfriend i could find that sense of belonging. and ill never forget what my friend megan told me. we worked together at wyandot bbq, and somebody, i dont even remember who was making fun of me b/c i was a virgin. and she got so pissed, and told me to not listen to them, and never do anything just b/c someone else wants you to. that was the best advice, and i took it to heart, but i just couldnt seem to follow it all the time. i wish she was still around, but she moved to florida and we lost touch. but she always liked me for who i was. she did all the things that i wasnt doing, but she liked that about me. she respected me. so back to how i managed to ignore her good advice. i made the mistake of going out with the wrong type of guy who made me think exactly the opposite of what she made me believe in the short time that we were friends. i got into the mindset that guys typically only wanted one thing and if you werent doing that, then they wouldnt keep you, and who you were wasnt really an issue. and everyone was doing it. i just wanted what everyone else had. or rather, what they all seemed to have. i never did the things i did b/c i really truly wanted to, ( i was vaguely curious if anything) i did those things b/c i was afraid that if i didnt, he wouldnt want me. at that point i already had my doubts anyway. i was in the wrong mindset, and i shouldnt have allowed myself to forget about my selfrespect or my morals. i had the misconception that it was somehow ok, and justifiable. i see now so clearly that i was wrong and i was acting completly out of character, and even though it temporarily made me feel better about myself, it wasnt good for me at all.
so these are some of the ways in which ive been wrong. i believe its part of growing up and the fact that i can see these issues for what they really were proves that im at a higher level now. so to get to my point about becoming catholic and having it mean something to me...it does. and thats on a personal level, not on a me miguel and his whole extended family level. i dont want to be one of those bible reading church every sunday lets talk about god all the time types of people. but every once in awhile, what could it possibly hurt. and to see my kids get baptized and have their first communion ect...those are traditions. traditions are good. i didnt have many, and it leaves you with a rather empty feeling to not having anything spiritually meaningful in your life. not saying i agree with it all, b/c i dont, but there are parts that ring true. faith can be healthy, its not quite the weakness that ive made it out to be. for quite awhile it has suited my life, suited my needs, to be faithless. but something in me is changing. i dont want to be the cold person this life has conditioned me to be, i want to be who i had the possibility of becoming. i want to be that bright glowing happy talkative girl that i once was so many years ago before i gave up and let it drag me under. and im getting there. its not the distant impossible image that it once was. i wont ever forget, you never forget, but i can open up my eyes and my heart, to something outside of the darkness.
current mood: content
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 14th, 2004
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8:42 pm
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ok...wow...oh this is not good. im about to seriously cry. i have a decision to make. me. I. I HAVE A DECISION TO MAKE. and its not one to be taken lightly. and i dont know how i can make a decision like this. i really dont. i have to choose between 2 things that are completly opposite. and i have to choose it for the right reasons.
miguel just stopped by after he got off work. his mother wants us to get married here and in mexico. in a catholic church. in fact this is what is whole family wants. and actually, its what he wants. in order to get married in the catholic church you have to BE catholic. some churches are non denominational for weddings, but catholics are not. miguel doesnt believe that our marriage will be as meaningful if we dont get married in church, in the eyes of god, with His blessing. so this is something that really means something to him. i feel like im about to have a brain anurism.
ok so let me look at this sanely. i used to believe in god. i used to go to church. i used to go to catholic school. i USED to. my belief in god was unfailing despite the fact that growing up i was never baptized, never went to church like everyone else, ect. bad things happend, i prayed, prayers went unanswered, and i...chalked it up to the fact that i was praying to a god who didnt exist. obviously with the way things were at the time that i stopped believing i wasnt typically in my right frame of mind due to depression, ect ect. there were a lot of factors involved. i simply wasnt healthy anymore, and my life was a mess, and i blamed god for it all, and eventually just stopped believing all together.
recently i have stopped to question myself a few times, wondering how millions of people believing in the same or similiar ideas could all be completly 100% wrong. wondering what it was exactly that i was maybe doing wrong and what the end result might be if im the one who's wrong. i have realized that blaming god for everything wrong in my life was the wrong way to think, b/c if there is a god, i believe bad things happen for a reason, to make us stronger, to teach us something, to give us a better understanding, and to make us more thankful. this is what i realize now that im older and its done with, but at the time i didnt see what all those terrible things were really worth.
when i look at the circumstances surrounding my decision to cut off all beliefs of god and religion, it seems that what i really did, was give up fighting and pretty much say "well fuck you too". it was spiteful. i created my own solitude. it becomes heartbreaking to wake up every morning and find your prayers unanswered for years and years. and to put the blame on yourself somehow, thinking that its your own fault, that you must have done something to deserve it. everyday felt like punishment for simply being born. but if god exists, i was wrong for these thoughts at the time. i wasnt to blame, and i wasnt being punished. i gave up believing when i should have stuck with it. if you look at it like this, life is really a test, and i have failed.
and now it seems im being put to the test again. its almost like ive been given a second chance to pass the test. i made it this far on my own. i made it to a place where its finally looking up, and ive grown up and i think thats made me realize that i have a lot to be thankful for, i have a lot that others dont have, and its so easy to ignore that and focus on all the bad things and say oh poor me, pity me. so i know that i have plenty to be thankful for, but who does the thanks go to? to me? of course i got myself here, but anything could have happened along the way. anything...but it didnt, the last 5 years have been...the best of my life.
so all that was miguel aside. that was me. without the influence of someone wanting me to become catholic. so now let us put him in the picture for a minute. our marriage isnt going to mean the same thing to him if its not catholic. he thinks this would be good for me, b/c he thinks that i dont have peace in my soul. (must admit i dont feel at all at peace with myself or anything else most of the time) this means something to his whole family. and his family is huge. its not just like 2 or 3 people care whether or not we get married in a catholic church. his family is big enough to be their own congregation. and he made it clear that he doesnt want me to become catholic for him, he wants this to mean something to me. actually what he said is that if i want to go thru with this, it HAS to mean something to me.
i guess i would have to say that i dont particularly like church and i dont particularly like the bible and i dont particularly like a lot of things that religious people believe. a lot of it is just crap. but when i think of the things i said previously there....then i just dont know. and to be quite honest, i am scared. and i am crying now. and i just dont know anything. but who does? i know the answer to that actually....people who know something, have faith in things that they cant see. they believe just out of faith. blind faith. thats something that ive refused for quite some time now. i lost faith in everything. i dont believe anything that i cant see with my eyes or hear from someone that i trust. and speaking of trust? do i ever really trust anyone? not often. i will just for the sake of it, but theres always a nagging that im wrong.
so this was a lot of rambling to get to a point in which i could make a decision of some sort. and i just havent gotten to that point. ill ask myself a few questions....do i love him that much that i would try to do this? yes. can i find some sort of valuable meaning in it for me? probably. can i do this? is there anything stopping me? am i somehow giving up what i believe in? ..... and thats where it stops b/c im not sure i have answers to those questions. this isnt something to just take lightly. so for now, ill just leave it at that.
current mood:  confused
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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12:02 am
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ohhh i forgot to make a note of this, he said te amo. see te amo has a different meaning than te quiero, they both essentially mean i love you, but te amo is for a much deeper love and you usually say it to your husband or wife and say te quiero to your girlfriend/boyfriend and other various peoples that you might want to say i love you to. te amo is for when youre in love. i just thought it was special. im a dork. thats all. goodnight.
current mood:  cold
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, September 13th, 2004
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2:24 pm
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ok. its been a long weekend.
friday...i worked...i came home..i went to sleep...i think thats all that happened. saturday i went to work for a whole 4 hours,came home, called miguel and we went out to get food and came back here to watch the rest of that stupid freddy vs jason movie. completly retarded. i dont think it even qualifies as entertainment. of course him and i have varying opinions on this issue. we spent the rest of the night laying around doing absolutly nothing. that was nice. then sunday i went to work for 7 hours which was great fun. it was pretty slow and i didnt have any blonde moments. i was working with steve who is a floater pharmacist. floater meaning kmart isnt his store, he came from another store to cover for our pharmacist who was off. steve is very cool. we listened to good music, he let me play pacman on his gameboy, we browsed the net, had some pleasant discussion about our mutual hatred for el presidente and our love for food. he bought my lunch at subway, i just had to go pick it up for us. so that was sweet of him. now dont go getting any ideas as to why he would pay for my lunch, b/c im 99% sure that steve is very much homosexual. it was a pleasant change from craig and judy who are republican patriotic bush supporters. ew. i mean theyre nice and all, but theyre so...stiff. thats the best word i can think of. so i was more comfortable working with steve which is probably why i didnt have many of my blonde moments. hopefully ill get to work with him more. so after work i was thinking me and shelley were going to do something but evidently she felt differently. b/c i didnt make plans with miguel at all b/c she was gonna be in town this weekend and i wanted to see her and sunday night after i got off work was the only time i could. well she wanted me to call into work so i could go running around with her. um.....no. dont get me wrong, i love my shelley, but cmon, i cant just take off of work at the drop of a hat so that i can go chase after some guy that she likes and go to the mall. whats in it for me? i hate it when she puts me thru all that stuff. so i wasnt going to take off of work for her for something like that. so she was all pissy and said she cant make time for me all the time, and she didnt want to go out at 5, and i make time for miguel but not for her, blah blah blah. well im sorry but shes in lawrence and miguel is here. and i do not 'make time' for miguel, i hardly see him really and when we do its not always for very long and sometimes its not even planned. and now his new job has him possibly working 5 days a week 12-14 hours a day. that really cuts our time together nearly clear out of the picture. so give me a break. so that put me in a bad mood. so i ended up going over to miguels uncles house for dinner (good tamales, yummm), which was a whole new set of family that ive never seen before b/c some of them were from mexico and california and were just visiting. then we came back here and did what we do best, laid around. we discussed moving in together. discussed our differences that will have to be worked out. for instance, i have to sleep with a light on. miguel has to sleep with the radio on. i know, its odd. and our pets are another issue. he wants his dog, i want both my cats, but its doubtful that we can have all three. he wants tyr to go to his parents and we can take storm, since storm is the lesser of the 2 evils despite the fact that at first miguel was terrified of storm b/c hes all black. but after getting torn up by tyr so many times he now knows better. that cat really does have some issues. i still love him tho. and then theres just all sorts of stuff other than that to consider. but despite all our disagreements we can agree on one thing at least, that this is what we want. its funny how two people who are so different can actually be so much the same. we have strikingly different likes and dislikes and different opinions but we have the same heart. we have the same mindset i guess, just the way we express it is different. thats either a very good thing or a very bad thing but i think its good, b/c its not boring, and we're too stupid and in love to let it get in the way of anything anyway. thats the only way i can really explain it. also i think a lot of it is the fact that we are from 2 entirely different cultures and religions. hes mexican and catholic and im white and void of any religion. some of his views really bother me, like his view of death. he doesnt regard it with the same type of emotion that i do. to him death is just something that happens to all of us, its not something to get horribly depressed over. but to someone like me, with no clear vision on what happens after death, its my biggest fear. theres just a vast number of differences between us due to those factors. but in conclusion, difference has nothing to do with it.
so to top off my weekend, my great grandmother died. they think it was a brain hemmorage. my grandmother found her when she went for her weekend visit. it seems so sudden. i mean yes she was 90 something but she wasnt in the hospital or even in a nursing home, she was mostly independent, except she couldnt drive b/c she was just about blind. she was still smoking her damn cancer sticks so i suppose that didnt help matters. but grandma says she went exactly how she wanted to go, quickly and without hospitals and without having someone else take care of her. that woman was tough. i guess in a way i thought she would live forever. she was the most straight forward person in my family. she was a force to be reckoned with. you just didnt tell her what to do. she told you how it was and how it was going to be. its ironic, b/c due to the unusual sum of money and gifts i got from her last christmas, it actually occured to me that it was a sign she may know her time was coming. i hate it when that type of foresight creeps up on you. but i dismissed the idea and chalked it up to the fact that it was my first year living on my own and she probably was just trying to be helpful. i guess it was a little of both. so we all know im not close to anyone in my family except my mom and sister. so this is what my mom means by coldheartedness. i show relatively no emotion over the fact that someone from our family is dead. i show almost no empathy. but maybe at the funeral ill be able to force a few tears out. funerals have a way of doing that to you i think. this will only be my second funeral. not the second death mind you, but the second funeral i have actually intended on going to. i wonder who will be there and what it will be like seeing as how she was baptist and she wants to be cremated and all. i dont know when its set for yet or anything. i guess ill find out today or tomorrow. and i think grandma is mad at me b/c i called her to offer condolences and what not and she seemed short with me. my mom says its b/c i never call or visit or anything. i guess they feel the need to be close to me, while i just...dont feel that need at all.
oh and everything is good now, no worries. YAY! thank you thank you thank you.
current mood: calm
current music: angel baby-rosie
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| Friday, September 10th, 2004
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2:24 pm
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today was fabulous. had a low tire but i took care of that after algebra. had a 2 hour break between classes b/c sociology was cancelled for the day. went to the bank, found out i made mucho dinero on my last check, and then some asshole who was driving too fast thru the parking lot decided to honk at me. the asshole was my boyfriend. hehe. so we went and had lunch and i got applied for a cell phone but they wanted a huge deposit so im going elsewhere for a cell phone. so that was awesome, my wishes for seeing miguel daily were granted. now i just made my very first cd. its so cool. yay.
i have only one compliant.
dear body,
please stop confusing me.
current mood:  accomplished
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 9th, 2004
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10:12 pm
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im a happy chica for 2 reasons.
for one, yay!!!
for two, miguel just stopped by and suprised me. that was nice if only i didnt look like complete shit. im a complete mess right now. rarr. thats what he gets for suprising me. oh ok i guess theres 3 reasons
for three, he got a job!!!! yay again!!!!
so he was only here for 30 min and i look like shit and hes never seen me look like shit before. but thats ok. at least it was something. ok so i cant complain and be in a bad mood now b/c that was really sweet that he stopped by.
i have homework to do. i really have no desire to do it. but i suppose it has to be done.
current mood: content
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2:37 pm
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today is slightly better. got woken up by the neighbors honking at around 10 something. bastards fucking honk the god damn horn in the morning now they have to do it at night too??? fuckers. got woken up at midnight by jessica which was ok. got woken up at 6 something by my cats which at that point i woke up from a dream that i believe involved miguel b/c i woke up feeling as if i might cry. woke up again around 7 b/c jessicas cell phone called me somehow. woke up around 7:15 b/c that was what time i needed to get up and by then i had rationalized that i will get to see miguel this weekend and i have a few days off next week. so its not the end of the world. but it kinda feels like it. i hate when hes not around. i dont know how to explain that. somehow the fact that i will get to see him in a day or two just doesnt make me feel any better. thats a whole evening of work, day of school, another whole evening of work, and then a day of work before i get to see him again.thats over 48 hours from now....why does time always drag when you want something so bad? and then you get it, and its gone so suddenly. and you have to wait again. its almost painful, to want someone so much. i never stopped to consider the fact that being in love had so many complications involved. that it would bring about a whole new set of problems. i guess i should be grateful that we're only apart for days, and not for months and seasons and maybe even years, like all these girls i go to school with who have boyfriends in iraq right now. if i put myself in their place for a minute, i realize that this is really not so bad at all. but i know ive always been impatient, and the likelyhood of that changing is nil(sp???).
so now that ive got that out of my system let me just reiterate that i am still in a bad mood and i am still on a rampage and i am still disgusted with society. i swear these fuckers across the street from me are going to get a wake up call sometime before i move. it involves me, my car, and my car horn. at 3 am. let them keep pissing me off, and trust me, its gonna happen. furthermore, people who start shit with other people, and then say well thats what they get for starting shit, when they clearly incited something, should be shot. i mean do they really have nothing better to do with their meaningless little lives than provoke others and name call???? and did it ever occure to anyone that some names just arent appropriate to call people? i mean, its offensive!!! theres no excuse for it. and then dont even get me started on the way people fucking drive around here. ive almost been hit twice in the past day. one idiot wasnt watching the road and almost ran into the back of me when i stopped at a red light, he had to actually swerve into the other lane to avoid hitting me. the other was someone who thought it was ok to drive thru the gas station at 30 mph. and then why do people think it is acceptable to drive under the speed limit on a one lane street where there is no passing? and then STOP before they make a turn? its not difficult to drive if you dont have your fingers up your ass. honestly. and then my mom wants to ask why i never call my grandmother. well b/c quite honestly i dont feel that connected with my family. i dont think we're close at all. what does she want me to talk about? the weather? school? work? well thats all just dandy but we can catch up at the next family gathering if thats really all we have to discuss which is all it ever amounts to. small talk. and then as far as telling them about my plans, my mom doesnt even know yet and thats going to be hard enough. as soon as my family hears the words mexican and los angeles theyre going to just die. b/c that is the way they are. and lets just hope that i dont have to tell them something else. i know theyre my family but theyre really just judgemental and shit. they have no idea what im really like.
miguel says im always with him. in his heart. so instead of whining about how much i miss him, ill just keep him with me also. *sigh* i would be happy if for everyday i could just hear his voice, see his face, and feel his arms around me. thats all. i guess on days like this i just have to remember yesterday and keep it in mind as if it was very recently. use my imagination.
current mood:  bitchy
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
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8:20 pm
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7:29 pm
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so this is dandy im having my first big depression episode in months and i really cant control it. funny how it just hits you out of nowhere. im trying to busy myself and ignore it but i cant, b/c you know that feeling you get when youre about to cry, well thats the feeling i have, only i cant make myself cry and i cant get rid of this feeling.
initially i had no clue as to why i was feeling this way, but i thought about it and i figured it out. some things just never leave you. no matter how far you think youve gotten.
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(comment on this)
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7:08 pm
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it gets harder everytime. ive never actually started crying over it tho. until tonight.
im going to go try to eat now.
current mood: sad
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| Tuesday, September 7th, 2004
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11:54 pm
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you know youre in love when...
...youre up late at night trying to do a 2 page paper thats due the very next day and you dont even know what youre doing it over yet, and all you can think about is that one person....
and that is where i am at. in love. hopelessly. and unable to make any other thoughts process thru my mind. theres just him. i dont know how to tune back into my own mind. everything i do, everywhere i go, im thinking of him. hes on my mind, and in my heart, 24/7. and when he shows up at work to see me? you can forget about me knowing what the hell im doing, b/c i somehow just forget.
with that in mind...i need to cut out this lack of self confidence bullshit, start speaking up for myself, hold my ground, speak with self confidence, and let go of everything that holds me back inside. its a terrible thing to be held back for so long that you forget how to be free. or maybe i was never free to begin with. ya thats probably more accurate. *it is 11:30 and i just began my second consecutive can of pepsi, so much for cutting back on the fucking soda* its so hard. and then when you are self confident you do something to mess up and it brings you back down again. its hard to say to yourself, "ok i just made a mistake, thats no reason to think im not capable", all over again. i guess everyone sees it in me but me. my manager robert at work, he told me he was going to teach me how to do western union transactions b/c there was no reason why i shouldnt im perfectly capable. this after months of being told by everyone else that i had to call a manager for western unions and i wasnt allowed to mess with it. he was quite upset when i told him this. and then in pharmacy, the pharmacist was like, youre doing a good job, and i was like we'll see, and he told me i should be more confident. now when i mess up he tells me im having a blonde moment. or im blind. depending on the situation. they love me, teehee. he told me if kmart makes me go back to the service desk then i should go apply at this other pharmacy thats taking over eckerd and he will tell them im new at the tech thing but that im good. so yay, kmart cant drag me down. and miguel. i swear, he calls me on all my bullshit. he sees thru everything. i dont know how. i know sometimes he tests me. like the whole spanish thing. when he told me te quiero, and then te odio(which is i hate you, if you didnt know). and i got all mad, he was like, i thought you didnt understand spanish, so that kinda blew it. its the way he looks at me too, i hate that. he'll say something, and ill say what just so he'll say it in english and i can pretend that i didnt understand so that i wont have to talk in spanish b/c i have no self confidence. and he just gives me this look and shakes his head like hes so disappointed and he knows im just too scared to try. and hes got this unfaltering confidence in me. he thinks i know everything, he thinks i can do anything i want. ive never had that kind of support from a boyfriend. but i guess hes not just my boyfriend. hes my buddy, my pal, my friend, my confidant, my lover, my partner in crime, my everything.
so i really have to stop this bullshit now and start being real. the time has come. i have to be confident. i have to stop feigning confidence and actually have it, and i need to show that i have it. *takes a deep breath* im ready now.
current mood:  determined
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8:56 am - quotes-im in a multicultural mood today
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I'd rather have an intelligent enemy than a stupid friend.
Frida Kahlo : What do you think matters most for a good marriage?
Guillermo Kahlo : A short memory.
Frida Kahlo : Why did you get married?
Guillermo Kahlo : I can't remember.
Frida Kahlo : Did I tell you that I'm going to walk again.
Alex : Yes...
Frida Kahlo : Did you believe it?
Alex : Of course I do.
Frida Kahlo : You'd better, because you are going to miss it.
They say never trust a limping dog or the tears of a woman.
At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.
I'm just keeping you honest, panzon.
~frida
Serge : We are still married, in the eyes of God.
Josephine : Then He must be blind.
Père Henri : I think we can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do.
Boy #1: I hear she's an atheist.
Boy #2: What's that?
Boy #1: I don't know
~chocolat
I DONT WANT TO GIVE MY SPEECH *CRIES*
current mood:  scared
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| Monday, September 6th, 2004
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9:51 pm
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long weekend, but nice. i still think its sunday. i hate mondays with no school when they make me work at 6:30 in the fucking a.m. ya. yesterday jessica dropped by and we went to get ice cream and basically got kicked out of indian springs mall b/c everything closes way too early on saturdays. then we went to richards b/c she needed to clean up before his parents got home. she was driving his van. that things is scary as hell. but i wasnt exactly fearing for my life, it was kinda fun.
miguel had called a bunch while i was out with her, so i called him back and he asked me to go over to his cousins house for their weekly sunday family get together type thingy. so i went and he had me drive his car b/c his mom needed the van back at his cousins and he wanted me to drive the van b/c his cars seats were all wet from the rain b/c he had all his windows down, but there was no way i was driving his moms van. i just cant drive something that big. i was scared. so i got my butt all wet instead of wrecking the family vehicle. we got to his cousins house and i was mauled by all the small children. i was surrounded by 3 little girls telling me everyones name, and taking all the pictures off of the mantle to show me their cousins, brothers, sisters, parents ect ect ect, and asking me if i could speak spanish. it was too cute. then all the grown ups had to ask me if i spoke spanish, and they asked if i was mixed(has anyone noticed that i get that A LOT? from complete strangers when im at work even, i mean who just walks up to someone and asks them that...but its usually a guy whos trying to hit on me), they asked me that in spanish btw, and i understood. they seemed a little disappointed that im just white and i dont really speak spanish, even tho miguel insists that i can more than i let on, which is actually true(i just lack confidence), but they dont need to know that. so he kept saying stuff in spanish to me and his mom yelled at him for it, hehe. then i think i further disappointed everyone by telling them i dont eat shrimp (which is what they were having). but i mean i couldnt lie and eat shrimp just to please them, i just cant eat shrimp. i dont know why, i just hate it, it makes me gag. the only seafood i eat is fish. oh and miguel told his mom about how he asked me to marry him, and she told everyone there. im not really sure what they think actually, b/c they didnt have much of a reaction. or they didnt show it. or theyre in disbelief. which is probable. but the kids had fun with me. i got screamed at, i got a frisbee thrown at me, i had to watch a baby who someone sat on the couch next to me and then walked off and she kept trying to jump off. that was fun. oh and his little sister taught me how to clap my hands. its an odd situation with jacky, b/c shes old enough to be able to walk and talk a little, but she cant even stand on her own, and she can only make baby sounds. she has a therapist but they dont really know whats wrong with her i guess. but she loves to bounce around and laugh and clap her hands. so i was sitting with her while his mom ate, and i was clapping my hands with her, and when i stopped she grabbed my hands, put them in the position to clap, put her little hands over mine, pushed my hands closer together, and made me clap. it was the cutest thing ever. so obviously shes not slow. it makes me rather sad that she cant play around like the other kids. the little baby can pull herself up and stand and stuff. it was just kind of depressing to watch.
so ya, i left not being able to remember anyones name, except the baby elizabeth and the little boy who threw the frisbee at me, anthony. good times, good times. miguel bought me lunch on my lunch break today. that was nice. wont see him again till wednesday. i say that as if its so far away. but tonight i actually did homework like a good girl. go me. and i shall do homework tomorrow also.
talked to shelley. or listened to her talk. told her a few big news flashes. i dont think shes too happy for me. she thinks it might be a mistake. shes so cautious. im a big girl, i cant take care of myself. then again maybe shes not too concerned for me, she seems pretty self absorbed lately. b/c i guess she has so much going on with all the guys and what not. i kinda wish she would just stop and get a man and stick with him for a bit, rather than this whole playa friends with benefits ect ect thing shes got going on. its annoying the shit out of me.
theres something else thats annoying the shit out of me too. but im not going there. b/c i refuse to acknowledge the possibility at this point. but maybe i have some sort of blood sugar level problem or im becoming diabetic or some shit like that. i heard that women who drink soda daily have an 85% chance of more likely becoming diabetic. thats me!!!
i want to go to sleep but i have a speech tomorrow and i feel like i should work on it some more to make it a tad bit longer, but i just dont wanna...maybe ill go to bed early and do it in the morning...oh jessica, you are so brilliant *pats self on back*
theres so much more i wanted to say.
current mood:  blah
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| Saturday, September 4th, 2004
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11:52 pm
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well...you all better enjoy me for the next year. b/c im leaving this god forsaken state. finally. its about time. time to move on and be someone new. b/c everywhere i go i see someone that i either know or have seen before. and i have a story/memory for everywhere. and i hate it. its boring. im restless. we're going to california. i am both nervous and looking forward to it. nervous b/c i dont know how to tell my mom. what do i say, "oh by the way mom, you know my boyfriend that youve never met? well we're moving to l.a...." i can hear her already.` and its frightening. my mother is a frightening woman, for those of you who dont know her. dont get me wrong, i love her dearly, and its going to be hard to be so far from her, but she is going to be really really pissed. and thats putting it mildly. but she was pissed when i moved out in the first place adn she got over it, so...ya. she'll just have to get over it.
so weve agreed on where, but we cant seem to agree on how. as far as marriage goes anyway. i told him, i cant be catholic. and he was like so we would need a judge to marry us? you know how i feel about judges, to which i wittly replied, well then you know how i feel about catholic priests. so thats going to take some working out.
how did this happen to me?
we went and saw the cookout. it was a pretty funny movie, but this group of kids were like having a party in the fucking theatre and they were running around a lot and making a lot of noise. it was really really annoying, and i wanted to make a smart ass comment, but i kept my mouth shut. work today was really boring. it was slow. looking forward to it being just as dead tomorrow. monday shall be another story tho, b/c i will be at the service desk. god, now that i work in pharmacy it makes me hate the service desk even more. my cool manager robert told me he was quitting. his exact words were : im quitting, this place is fucking insane. how bad is that for a manager to say that? i mean damn. i hope he doesnt really quit. hes so much fun. and he tries to act like a father to me. its sweet.
*sigh* and im still worried about that one thing. its not fun.
ew and you know whats just god awful, when your cavity filling comes out, gross. i hate it when that happens. i need a better dentist. or is this a common thing to happen? oh never mind, its a chip of my tooth from right where they put the filling in. ya thats so much better....and its my very back tooth too...i hope my wisdom teeth arent starting to come in. ew thats going to suck. or maybe it was they way they drilled. oh and heres the great news, since my mom doesnt have a job right now, i have no dental, vision, or medical insurance. so im on my own now. its not good, not good at all. i need to go to the dentist, and i need new glasses, and i probably need to go to a fucking doctor. fuck. no im not stressed out at all.
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| Friday, September 3rd, 2004
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1:50 pm - Jessica Jean Helyn Snitz Rodriguez
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so thats my future name...and if i wanted to be really technical about it (but it would never actually be like this but you know for the sake of humour or what not....) it would be Jessica Jean Helyn Snitz Rodriguez Zamora. as if my name isnt long enough what with having 2 middle names. oh well, this is just pointless shit that occured to me in algebra today. its supposed to be intermediate but were still learning all this elementary algebra shit that i did last year. grr. so me and bobbie play tic tac toe and hangman for the hour. so back to the name thing. see i cant get rid of one of my middle names, b/c they both have significance, and i cant get rid of my last name b/c well its rare and i kinda enjoy it, and i cant not have my last name be his last name b/c well that means something to me too. so i could chop off my first name b/c it holds no meaning for me whatsoever, but then what would people call me??? i dont want to be called jean helyn...so i guess im stuck with it all.
anywho, it is the end of the school week and the beginning of a painfully long work week, 5 straight days/nights. so much for a 3 day weekend. ha. i am really starting to feel like kmarts bitch. and i dont want to be someones bitch. its degrading. ya so places to go people to see many things to do. im not doing any peole tho. im really really not. i mean its fun and all, but just not worth all the risk. not right now. ive probably said that before tho. but ya, i have made my decision. im getting so good at this whole standing my ground thing. like when i went to walmart to find a vacuum, i didnt want to spend my money but i knew i just had to do it, so i said to myself, ok, i am not leaving without a vacuum, i have made my decision. in regards to my work situation, they can either leave me in pharmacy or i will find a new job. i have made my decision. i will not be indecisive any longer. from now on, i make a decision, and i roll with it. it gets old constantly second guessing myself, and i have found that things tend to turn out best when i make a split minute decision rather than taking days weeks months years to analyze the situation. end of discussion.
current mood:  restless
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| Thursday, September 2nd, 2004
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10:17 pm
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today was fun. fought with the vacuum. it won. i went to walmart and bought a new one. good stuff. yay. made all sorts of food. yay. saw miguel. yay. going to bed now. yay.
current mood: good
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| Wednesday, September 1st, 2004
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9:21 pm
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its funny how things go isnt it.
well my mom was at the hospital all day, i called at 7am and they were moving her to her own room. doing a bunch of tests. turns out shes got an irregular heartbeat due to a clogged artery due to her smoking and drinking blah blah blah. they wanted to keep her another night but she convinced them to let her go and i went and got her around 1:30 this afternoon. got up hella early this morning to take my car to get my tire back on it. took my sister to mcdonalds for breakfast and back to moms so she could get ready for school. took her to school. took myself to school. and so i got everything straightened out, mom was ok, everything was peachy, right? right...
so then miguel and his little brother dropped by and we went and picked up his baby sister from the babysitters for his mom. leaving turner, or wherever the fuck we were at, we got pulled over. he was going 35 in a school zone which is 20. it was just bad b/c for one, neither of us had even noticed we were in a school zone, and two, b/c neither of us even noticed the cop until he was right up on us flashing his lights and shit. it was one of those motorcycle cops. grr. so we got in trouble for speeding and b/c him and his brother didnt have their seat belts on. im shocked he didnt say anything about jacky not being in a car seat. but she is 2...are 2 year olds supposed to be in a car seat? i dont even know....but she had her seat belt on :D so i guess we got off fairly easily b/c he didnt give us a hard time, he just wrote the ticket and said to drive safely. thank god.
then pulling off the side of the road to keep on traveling home after getting pulled over, he ran over this fucking pipe that was sticking up out of the ground for no good apparent reason. it sounded like it really fucked his car up, but so far it seems like it didnt get damaged. but that was scary for the whole 15 seconds that it sounded like it was ripping thru the bottom of his car.
oh and did i mention that miguel also got laid off today? laid off meaning terminated, which also translates loosely to FIRED. for a stupid reason that he really didnt have all that much control over so its not his fault, i say this is a good thing, he can get a better job than that anyway. but hes got all kinds of things to pay for, so hes just a tad bit stressed out which isnt good for his ulcer. so i guess the wedding is postponed.
oh and ive been having hot flashes and other such problems this week. and i have a bad feeling. which does not put me in a happy mood at all. yes i have a bad feeling about this. i dont know how to describe it. but something isnt right. i know that much. i hope im just being paranoid. its just that theres one small detail that adds to my hysteria...so...ya. anywho, ill find out soon enough and i wont have to worry about it anymore. or...i will???
so what does my mom do the minute we step outside of the hospital? lights up a cigarette. good job mom. hope that works out for you.
so miguel thinks all this stuff has happened to him today b/c god is punishing him, and that he deserves it. after he got pulled over he just looked up and was like "what else god?" it was so cute. in a really sad way. i just had to raise an eyebrow at that. oh and then we were turning and we almost got murdered by an ambulance that had its lights and siren on, that once again, NIETHER OF US SAW COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lucky i saw it just in time and said stop, and for once he actually listened to me without asking me why first, which was shocking, so that was just lucky i guess. i am thinking maybe now would be a good time to start praying again or something, b/c things seem to be getting just a tad bit out of control. and i am scared. mildly. i dont know waht to do. i knew tho, that it was only a matter of time before it would start to get crazy like this. i saw it coming. me and him together...its just a combination of two dangerous elements. oh and he asked me if i would ever move to mexico b/c evidently his grandfather wants him to move there and take care of him until he dies. im just like a deer caught in the headlights. "mexico? like you mean....to live in mexico?" ya... "uhhhh....mexico? the country?" yes.... "to actually live there?" ..... "umm......">insert my nervous laughter here< ok ill tell him no.
i am going to go laugh it all off now. like how i laughed as i told people about my flat tire yesterday, and how i made jokes to my mom about her hospital stay, and how i just smiled sadly and nodded and acted disheartened when the hrm told me that they needed me back at the service desk and pharmacy would just have to find someone else. when in actuality i wanted to just throw things everywhere and run around the store screaming like a mad woman. no no, everything is fine. im jessica. im cool calm and collected. so really this whole post was just a joke. i dont want any of you to worry needlessly about me. this is just me doing waht i do best, worrying needlessly. somebody please just tell me im worried needlessly....
current mood: stressed
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